Dear readers,
I just felt that I need to say something about me today.
Based on the title, I just want to share that, how was me throughout 20 plus years till now.
I would say, before accepting Christ, I wasn't a person who love people in general. I think is because I was not lovable in such a way that people would come to me. Well, when I was a baby, yes. I was told by my parents that, I was so lovable to the point that anyone whether is strangers, my relatives love to carry me as I am theirs. They will drag me anywhere they could. My grandma would feed me so well that I even took her for granted when she passed away. I can't deny that I missed her so much when she passed away so sudden when I was 7.
But as I grow older, I realised I was pushed away by people, even strangers or friends. Most impactful and affected was, I was rejected by my external families and relatives just because I did not do well in my studies throughout my primary years, which then put the mark on them towards me, even I do score flying colours after that.
I was hurt. Could you even imagine that your own families rejected you? They treated me as invincible. In all seriousness, I thank God that I still have people around me who still care for me (present days). I was even a victim in verbal abuse and constantly being pushed aside, laughed at, tease at, since primary years till college years. And you tell me, do I have depression? Ah, not really. It just because I endured it through. I was a tough one when I was young. So when people do that to me, I tend to be strong and let it be. That identity crisis does not strike me till I started to know Christ.
I changed my identity from being loud and "I don't care" to quiet and "hold on" in the age of 13. I was not like me when I was in high school days but I have the mindset to study so hard till waiting for my families to accept me. I also accepted Christ when I was 13. I was a new believer and of course a quiet one. Yet because of my hard-work and somehow an active participant in the class, I was appointed as a class monitor by my class teacher (kinda stole my present's class monitor's position). Do I regret it? Nope, I earned it, I deserved it.
Despite this may sound like the current prime minister now (on the way how he is chosen), but I felt I am nothing like him. I did my tasks well. I was loved by my Christian Fellowship Club (CF) people in my high school. I was loved by my teachers. Yes, I was rejected by my classmates till I was 18.
How do I endure it? I wondered. I can't deny, I did cry somehow when it was tough. Not often but yes. I was still a tough nut okay? I even wanted to move class or even school, considering how tortured it is. I was cursed by my classmates for 2 years straight, every day when I was 17 till 18. I was hurt, very. Traumatic. My parents did not know about this, no one knows. Except me. A few of my teachers even thought that I was a joke when I tried to tell them the truth. So you tell me, who can I look to?
I did nothing but to just pray to God and study harder than anyone else. Because I was that kid that I need to work double the hard work to be the top, unfortunately (haha, because I am dumb, is the fact so oh well). I served in my school CF and in church too. I think thank God of these communities that I was loved, somehow. Yet, the only thing I have yet to do is to love others as I love God. Maybe I do but only at festivals.
It does not kick start in me till college life. I think is because I have always thought I was not loved then how can I love when I am not loved? But because as I grow stronger in Christ yet still fall (of course), it taught how to love others. I see a lot of true colours when I start loving. One person in my college life, hate me for no particular reason. She said, "Heidi, I hate you. I just hate you". I was dumb enough to try my very best to make her not so hate me. I helped her in secret yet I thought she accept who I am but in the end, she just used my kindness. Do I felt hurt? Yes, very. I remembered until this day.
And throughout my college years, I was once loved by classmates due to I was "smart" then because one of my classmates is a mixed breed of Malaysian and "angmo" (white), he was loved more by my classmates. Slowly I have pushed aside due to a fact that I was a half banana (Chinese but not really). Yes, my college years were also a mess. Because I was pushed aside, I was always left behind and have to group with the most laziest, dumbest group (always). I hated my college life. But what pushes me forward is, people from different intakes, CF mates in college years, church and God.
I slowly learned how to love those that accept me, somehow. I was blessed to those who even take the time to meet up with me, despite I was rejected by my own classmates. I always seem to put on that mask of kindness no matter what because I have to. Or else I would burst and just be cold to others.
As I was loved, I was alone too. I think I chose to be, maybe. Yet a few people would still spot me on and spend time with me. I also then look to that and be nice to people (please, I am always nice).
College years went by. I graduated and started working for a year before deciding degree life. Working life also gave me a new perspective to care for strangers. I started loving what I do best which is talk to people. For this instance, I talked to customers. I made great memories. I received touching feedbacks on how I made them felt welcomed, belonged even in a cafe/restaurant. I made new friends who were my colleagues. But the church was still at the centre because I know for the fact, your colleagues will never be a friend to you (after I grew).
I made a few very close friends in the church till 2018. Then I have to move to a different church due to the fact that I could not see growth in me, spiritually (yes, for more details, do comment or hit me up). From Acts church, it thought me how to love even more and willingly.
Of course, I also studied a degree in a different university. Wow, what I can tell you is, it was tough yet I grow so much. People in that university (KDU - UOW KDU) there were so equal, in a way that I was accepted. I grow spiritually. I led my own CF group, dang. I reached out to people who needed it. I love and care with all my heart. I love those who were so lost, so hurt. It does drain my physical and mental health. I rely so much on my own strength to love and also to remember that I was loved by God.
Tears flowing more when I prayed for a prayer that changed my whole life which allowing Christ to show me "me" that I have yet seen before, "vulnerability". It was so overwhelming that I fall short in 2019. I have to rely on God fully. It was so painful.
My whole habit of "loving others because God loves you" just mess up in 2019 when I started it passionately in 2017. But I can see love still. I see people love me, care for me just like back into the days I did not know how to love. I was more than blessed.
2019 went by. 2020 came. I was being a full adult, working adult. But challenges after challenges. then pandemic hits. I fall again.
I stop loving in March 2020 till August 2020. People reached to me like never before yet I chose not to. I was trying hard to walk out of "almost depression" due to lockdown in Malaysia. But nope, I barely could endure. I just survive. People still cheered me on, blessed me with blessings and gifts. And, I felt I am loved, very loved.
September 2020, I was slowly getting back yet still shaky when I started my 3rd full-time job. I tried to love others whenever I can. Because of the pandemic, loving seems tougher than normal.
This year, I challenge myself to do that. I kept telling myself and cling on the verse from the bible.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
Yeap, now I am doing perfectly fine, by the grace of God.
So God, lead me to love your people again.
Love,
Girl who smile,
Heidi Lai.