Hey Readers.
This is my testimony when I was in U-Turn prayers in Acts Church, 2018. Not able to share it to the public but I will share it here.
So this is how it goes. U-turn happened, and things went something weird. All this while I am not an emotional person to sound it more real, I never cry in movies or any tv drama (especially Korean drama). Mom and sister will cry badly, I will stare blankly at them and the tv. I think is a gift on being that kid that could not cry or share feelings easily and as well I dislike the feeling. Those who see me often or know me, you guys get this. Anyway, funnily speaking, I, Heidi being so bold and ask God that I want to be emotional and sensitive. And to be honest, when I pray about that need, I was really afraid as there is a mindset that if I am emotional and so real, people will leave me and judge me. Then, I realised this year, I have been slightly emotional. Little, can make me want to cry and it does not come out, worst come to worst, this year whenever I am at the altar call or the part where the pastor or some leaders says, "build your own altar", I cried. To make it specific, I cried 10 times or less this year which is something unusual, that it does not happen at all in the past (because in the past, maybe cry twice in a year). I am a person that always look happy and even problem hits, I make sure that I hide deep down in my heart just like the deepest sea level. But this time around, I am no longer always that happy go, lucky person. I realised it during the last 2 weeks of U-turn. I slowly realised my true face reveal, I bring that “not so happy face” to school that day (I mean continuously 3 days). Ha, legit is not what I want because I always told myself, “Heidi, you reached school. Smile, you have to be the jolly one as no one does it. Or else gonna be sad to be seen”. Even my closest friend in KDU have to ask, am I okay? I told her that I am not and not just that, Pam follow up with me too, she even emphasize the term, “how are you feeling, actually?’. I roughly told her what I felt as this year has been a tough year due to I am handling quite a number of the position in school, and there goes U-turn. So much so, whenever I did the devotion of U-turn, something stirs me a little that push me to cry but I stop it. Is like God pushing me to cry, but I did not want him to.
Until the extent, I have to accept. Well, now I am still learning to accept the other side of me. But I know this is what God wants to rebuild me and to tell me that is okay to cry because is not always necessary to be happy all the time. So thank God for that breakthrough.
Hope you guys are blessed by my testimony. Regards, A girl who smiles