Alright all, banana means a Chinese person who doesn't speak Chinese, they speak full english (so yellow on the outside, white on the inside). Half banana means I can speak somewhat or hear somewhat but really horrible and bad. There are many terms for it as well. Like "Oreo", 'Coconut".
I don’t know why I felt weird about listening to my mother tongue. I just feel not comfortable at all.
I used to love mandarin. I was from a mandarin school when I was a kid until 12 years old. Slowly I stop speaking mandarin when I was 13 onwards. I slowly act like I am “banana” (white on the inside, yellow on the outside), I felt good and my mandarin in me slowly left me even though I still speak Mandarin at home.
I mean English is a worldwide language. I slowly think that mandarin is not my thing anymore. I dislike mandarin songs even my race in my country shows that I am Chinese.
What shocks me is I meet up with my primary mates from mandarin school after not seeing them for more than 5 years. Haha, I have to speak mandarin throughout the whole conversation. During the conversation, I felt unease. I told them, I am not the usual kid that speaks mandarin anymore. They were shocked. And I still converse with them with that language even I am not comfortable with it. After that day, I came home.
That night, I felt exhausted and not converse with anyone. I felt so tired after spoken that language for so long that I have neglected it. Is like you have not eaten meat for so long, then suddenly you have to eat that. Don’t you feel comfortable?
Yeap, that is what I felt.
Even I go to a place that fully speaks mandarin, automatically my brain shut off on that. I am sorry. But I am not used to it anymore. Ha, mom even scolded me many times that I am such disgrace and abandon my mother tongue after learning and speaking mandarin for 12 years (exclude at home) whenever I ignore anyone/speakers/television emcees/television show who screens mandarin.
I am sorry. So am I a disgrace to my Chinese family? But should I be alright that I am a half banana?
Let me know in the comment section on what do you think. Or if you can relate, let me know too! So we can talk more about it.
Written on 11th March 2020