Hey readers.
Today is my first day of writing.
And guess what? I am starting the first post sad, isn't that sad? It is because I affect and hurt people that not supposed to be hurt. They deserve someone better, not me. I giving so much expectation and burdens and all they got, was hurt and pain.
Cruel huh? And of course painful too. Do I have a choice? Yes, I have. People are the ones that hold on to me and trust in me. They still think I am good where I think I am not. All I do was pressure, expect, give my 110% for everything I do without caring what the other person felt. I scold people for the things they can't achieve as I achieve. I am rude, I felt horrible, I felt cold.
Ha, what is funny is, a friend of mine want to interview my friends to write about me as it was part of the assignment. He chose me as a person to write on. One of the friends that he interviewed said that "Heidi is too brutally honest which sometimes hurt people without knowing". I was shocked and surprised at that comment when he produced the article about me, the final write up. To be honest, I was shocked. Because I thought I always so nice and friendly. But that phrase triggered me and traumatized me to think that, "am I that bad of a person?".
Looks like it is right. That's why people cursed me and told me to "shut up" when all I do was being kind, to tell the truth. The brutal truth that they don't want to hear or know. I am rude, and I don't know what to do about it.
I tried to put people away but they still want to be with me. Is it because I am still worth to be friends with? Am I still good?
"Discomfort is understandable. It’s the rudeness that isn’t.”
― N.K. Jemisin, The Fifth Season ―
Written at 9th March, 2020.