When weekday hits, my doubt and thoughts hit as I started my day.
When the weekend hits, I always beg that people don't remind me when weekdays come.
Some thoughts wonders in my mind. "Do people actually love what they are doing? Or is it just an act that people put upfront that they have it all together? Do people passionate and never dislike what they are doing? Or is it just me? Is it just me that I am still wondering in this thought that I am going through alone and no one knows anything about it?"
I dislike these thoughts/doubts I have. That dislike slowly turns to anger and hatred of what I am doing, like what am I doing? I want to throw the rag so badly and walk off and never turn back.
I just want my free-spirit me back. I want to be joyful about what I am doing! Am I not right? Can I not do that? I don't want to wake up in the morning (weekdays) feeling like I am defeated, tired, sleepy even though I have a great weekend. Thankful? Oh, I am more than thankful but this is torture! Waking up each day thinking, I just want to call off/call sick. Being so fearful, defeated as I walking in the hallway of the office building to my destined workplace. How would you feel? Please tell me. The moment I am at the door of the office, I was so defeated yet I have to put the face on as though "I like this job". No, heidi. Stop! You are ruining yourself. I am, but who is listening?
God, if you are listening to my heart and mind now, please take my hand and go. I don't want to be defeated. I don't want to drag my feet just to do the work that I have to do. God, open door for people to notice my skills and talents so I can go off. God, I beg for your mercy and understanding. Have I not serve you? Have I not love the people like how you did? God, are you listening? God, are you doing something?
Fear, shaking of my voice, this is not where I should be.
Deep breathing yet it does not calm my heart.
Fear, stop bothering me.
Doubt, stop disturbing me.
I wondered, am I the only one who is feeling about this? What is other's feeling right now if they are facing the same?
I wondered.