Hey readers. Or I should say, if anyone who ever reads this, I am glad.
Today is a Friday, a Good Friday indeed. But for me, it isn't a good Friday for me. Yes, it is good Friday for a Christian. I am a Christian, no doubt. But for me in person, to me, today is not a "good friday" to me.
Today is Day 22 of stuck at home (Lockdown). As I was, as usual, being stuck at home because of MRO (Movement restriction order) here in Malaysia, I did my usual work/routine at home. Lazying around, play phone, read a book or two, did some devotion and watched series.
But this starts to turn at 4 pm today, it was announced that MRO is extended till 28th April when it supposed to end on 14th April. I was again devastated. I really don't know what should I feel. I felt like killing myself instead. Is enough! At first, it was just 14 days, then extended another 14 days, now another 14 days. I have not go out at all ever since this started. I hate this. I crave for freedom, outdoor. I spend most of the time outside instead of at home (90% outside, 10% at home).
I tell myself, I really can't do this. I really can't. This is the worst "good Friday" for me. I felt so restless, a home is never a place that I like to be.
Home, what is home? I treated my home like a hostel that I don't want to stay in. That is home. I can never be productive, happy, energized or be myself when I am stuck at this place called, "home".
Then dinner hits, I was in a rush for this good Friday online cell group at 88 pmpm. Yes, I am typing this after everything is done. It was the worst dinner I ever ate. Fight with my mom. The table has turned. My dad as usual always on her side. My sister, ha, my sister, always the one that run away if I fight with my parents. I never felt belong in this family anyway.
"You said you are a christian of this attitude?" I shouted at her, "Then you are a christian?"
I never am so down and pissed my whole entire dinner. I have no appetite. I only ate way lesser than I used to. Today, it really not a good Friday for me. Yes, God, you heard it right? Lord, you heard it. I know Your Son died on the cross for us today, this very day. I apologized that I don't feel it today. Not today.
Maybe I wasn't that good girl that people have thought I will be. Sorry.
Written by, A girl who can't smile today